There are some conversations you have so many times in your head, over the years, in different tones: sadness, anger, pride and love… always LOVE. And yet when that conversation happens in real life, the only thing you can say about it conclusively is… NOTHING.
Why did he call?
I don’t know. He said he saw someone he thought was me.
How did he sound?
Same. No, different. No, I am not sure. It has been over 3 years.
Is he thinking about …?
Hell, NO! But maybe. Why else would he suddenly call me with that forced gentleness in his voice, rambling about trvia regarding the common cold, the nervous laughs, the brief pauses. Him again.
Somehow I had overplayed this moment in my head I think. The moment we will finally talk again, the moment we will reconnect and all the broken and scattered pieces of the universe will realign themselves into a whole. Everything will be in its place again.
But as I heard him fumbling, amazed that nothing really has changed in his life, he is still working the same job, living in the same house with his parents and cracking the same jokes, I realized I have walked way past that dark, lonely place he left me in. I have picked up the tiny broken pieces of my heart, laughed off the unlikely turn of events, moved houses, changed jobs and found new friends. I have laughed and cried and sat in absolute silence wondering about what was wrong with me for him to have left me like that, abruptly and all at once. I weaved meticulously the questions I would ask him, choosing the words that prick just the right amount, I memorized the pauses I would take, the indifference and smugness I would show when he accepted the regret he felt. I have sat imagining at times with spite, at times with love, this moment over and over again when he will talk.
He did talk, so many things. So many random things. But he didn’t listen to me. He didn’t hear me. He didn’t ask me anything. He just talked.
And I gulped trying to piece together what could have possibly moved the heart of this man who walked away from years of love without the slightest glance back, to call me and “just say hello.”