It feels so nice to hold you, as close as I feel to you in my heart. It feels so nice to fill up with your smells, the sweet musk of your sweat, the smokiness in your breath. It feels so nice to hold on to your hair between my fingers as you kiss me along my neck. And in that niceness I lose my words and don’t tell you just how much I missed you when I was away.
Parts of me ached for parts of you and each ache rose like a shock on my skin.
I wanted your hand in mine when late at night, we sat under the glittering stars whose luminescence made me feel so far away from it all.
I wanted your right hand to rest on the small of my back so once again I could float in the pool with my hands and legs splayed wide without a care in the world. So I could float and know what it feels like to trust someone so absolutely.
I wanted your shoulder when I rode the bus back home and exhaustion weighed down my eyelids as sleep.
I wanted to hear the sound of your laugh when my ears were flooded with the noises of people laughing and talking.
I wanted your lips when I shut my eyes just for a moment on a tree swing and your face was all I could imagine.
I missed you in pieces and I missed you to pieces.
Maybe a kind of staleness has set in our relationship, maybe you’d rather talk to other women about unimportant things than look into my eyes and feel the sting of the realization that in spite of all we have been through, we are still apart.
I’d be lying if I said the scratch marks on your back did not make me shudder. I wouldn’t be lying if I said it I’d rather not know where they really came from.
I’d be lying if I said I believe that the long conversations you’re having with her are about work. I wouldn’t be lying if I said I am slowly preparing myself everyday for the worst.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t understand why you’d do this to me.
I have been there, I know. It is not easy.
In spite of all the love we hold for each other in our hearts, there is this distance that is growing between us that refuses to ebb. But I hope that each moment you spend away from me, there is still this dull voice in your heart, how ever faint, how ever soft, that reminds you that we belong to each other.
We always have, we always will.
And in spite of the unconventional course that our love has seemed to have taken, it is to you that my thoughts go to each night and it is in the warm awareness of being loved by you that I am able to shut my eyes and drift into peaceful sleep each night