Effloresce: verb(used without object)
This is a first for me. Not being able to walk away. It truly is a first. I have spent all my years trying not to break up with boyfriends because I am rather impulsive like that. Easily bored. Mostly just flippant and guilty of loving myself too much. I don’t know what is happening now but although I have more than one reason, I cannot collect the courage to do it.
What is stopping me?
This question is slow cooking in my brain since more days that I’d like to admit. But the fact is, I am not able to say it. I mean I have said everything around it. Above it, below it, beside it. But I haven’t really said “it”. The words that will break us apart. It just doesn’t come out. Neither when I am standing in front of the mirror, practicing, nor at night in bed when I am so lonely and sad that I am shaking as I silently mouth to myself the words I will speak to release myself from this state, nor does it come when I am sitting across a table from him, at times because he is smiling and other times because he is not, at times it is his eyes, mostly it is just me.
These days it is hard to even have a normal conversation without at least one of us getting upset. When did it come to this I do not really know. But I do see the lovely rosy glasses I was seeing him from lay shattered on the ground and now I cannot not see the reality. It is right there in my face looking at me telling me what a fool I have been.
I agreed to marry him in one of the lowest points of my life. I had just returned from Goa, feeling lost and unsure of where I was headed. The ambiguity worsened by the misery I was feeling owning to living with my mother with whom my relationship was at its conflicting best. To top all that, I got a false positive HIV report and that turned my whole world around. It was then, in those low moments I agreed to marry him because and this actually was as cheesy as it sounds, ‘he was there for me’. an him,
I can see it so clearly now but at that time, he seemed like my savior. When I was going insane on a daily basis with work and living with my moody mother. But this is a year later and I am at another job, one that does not suck out all my positive energy and throw me into the depths of existential crisis on a daily basis, I live in a PG away from my mother and that itself is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. And from this place, everything seems different. He doesn’t seem as much my savior as he does my cage, a golden cage but a cage nonetheless. It is not really his fault you know. When we started I was ambiguous about marriage, but as time is passing I am becoming surer and surer that it is not for me. That I do not and cannot see myself married and living the domestic life. I can’t see myself mothering children, working a nine to five job, commuting in an overcrowded train and having a mediocre sexless marriage as much as I can’t see myself sprouting horns and flying away into the night to burn down towns and cities because their names annoy me.
It just does not seem plausible. I always was skeptical of this till death do us part business but I was sure I wanted to be with him. And he made it very clear that being with him means marriage at some point if not immediately. And I told myself if marriage is the price I have to pay to be with him, to be with this man who has been nothing but amazing to me all the time I have known him, this man who elicits so much affection in my heart that I often wish to just dig into him and live inside him for ever and ever, then I will do it. We will do marriage our style. No mediocre sexlessness and conversations that do not move beyond the day’s menu and bowel movements. We were going to have more. See the world. Experiment. Love. Laugh. Have everything we dreamed. We were going to be happy.
But slowly, something changed. I read somewhere that if you can do without something for 21 days, you do not need it anymore. We have made do without each other for longer than that. Our conversations thinned down. Daily stresses gathered us into its spiky arms and we stood there as helpless and unknowing children. Sex is the much anticipated online lover, never living up to all that we construed it to be. We congratulate each other on the days we manage to talk without drawing out our swords, one day at a time we will do this right we tell ourselves, but each day we drift further apart and it takes more and more of an effort to reach out to each other. But we try, we stretch ourselves, we bite in the acidic comments, we deep breathe through the annoying habits that once charmed us. We smile, and hold each other tighter when our friends are watching. And I feel my heart sinking. I feel the bubble burst around us. I feel the truth and I dust it under the carpet and I take my blanket over my head and try to sleep. I’ll deal with it tomorrow when I am ready. Because I cant do this today. I am not there yet. Not today.