It has been a while since I wrote to you but somehow today I feel like I want to and really need to as well. A lot has been happening lately, between us and in general. Some good things, some not so good and I have come to realize that through so much, somehow I am finding myself more and more at a loss for words with you. I don’t know what it is, I can only guess and wonder but I am really finding it hard to communicate simple things to you.
So I have decided to write these emails to you, as often as I can. Especially when I am too overwhelmed to express it verbally. I can write and pour out my feelings and I am doing exactly that, uncensored and I hope that you will find it in your heart to read it not as a judgement on you or our relationship but as my feeble attempt to connect with you again, and express to you what I feel.
I know you are going through a lot. I see it in your eyes, I hear it in your voice, I observe it in the almost imperceptible shifts in your body. I know you more than I show. And that knowing is more painful than I imagined. That knowing means that when you are in pain and discomfort, I am also going through the same thing with you. And sometime the experience is so intense, I am left dumbfounded.
We have fallen into such a routine in this relationship and I think we both are terrified of pushing the boundaries and of rocking the boat. We are both petrified of losing each other, after all the struggles and losses we have both been through in life, another loss and that too one like this seems implausible to both of us. Its just that it makes us respond very differently, this fear of losing each other. You respond with silence, insecurity and aggression at times. I respond by getting emotional, shutting down and feeling pessimistic all the time.
There is so much beauty in being together, so much happiness I feel when we are together but it is breaking my heart to realize we are just not talking to each other about important things anymore. We are breeding volcanoes my love, let’s not. Let’s not risk everything we have taken years to cultivate and everything that has bloomed so beautifully between us, let us not let it die in a single moment of eruption. Let us talk baby. Let us speak of our demons and lets us face them together for in looking the other way we are allowing them to feed on our insides. Let us bring out the love and faith we have in each other and use it as a sword to slay these demons. Let us save us baby, before it is too late.
I can’t help but think of the night we spent together, the immense calm and stability being with you and in your arms brings me. The blurriness and ease with which the seconds pass when we are together. The pleasure of loving you, unsurpassed by anything I have ever felt. It was so beautiful that not having it feels like a profound loss, an ache I can feel right down to my very bones. I miss you so much that I think it is changing me, filling me with the bitterness of a man imprisoned unjustly. It is filling me with dark spaces that even I am unable to navigate. Each day it gets harder to fall asleep on a lonely bed, filled with thoughts of you that don’t cease, feelings that make me toss and turn and urges that only you can fulfill. It is hard loving you and not being able to love you at the same time.
And then I think of yesterday, the rage in your eyes, and my heart begins to race again, just at the memory of the moment when I felt so unsafe. The roughness of your hands on mine as you pulled at my purse to check my phone for messages from another man. You shouted and ignored my pleads to stop. It was like you were possessed and in your eyes, I searched but could not find the softness and gentleness that made me fall in love with you. In its place was a man who can’t hear the word No and who could and would hurt the woman he claimed to love.
How did it get to this?
When did we become this?
And most importantly, where are we heading my love?
*This is a work of fiction