I saw him again.
This time he was living in the building I have recently moved into. Same hurtful nonchalant smile and his lack of reaction upon seeing me mocking my self-inflicted agony. He couldn’t care less that I was there. As usual.
But I am in my dark place again. And I am beginning to believe he is the uncrowned Prince of my Sadnessland. P.S.
They said time will heal all. It has been so many years since he broke my heart. But each time I am upset, or angry, or anxious or scared or worried or sad or crying, basically anything negative that takes me to my dark place, I meet him there. Like it wasn’t bad enough that I have my present stresses that all my past stresses feel compelled to come and join the party.
I was upset with my boyfriend last night, for what I am not really sure but I was just riding one of those irritation waves that comes intermittently and covers every attempt at normal conversation in a cranky layer. I kept the conversation short because as the adage goes, when you cant say anything good, better to not say anything at all. But unfortunately he understands my silence better than my words. So he knew I was upset and as usual it drove him crazy to not know what was making me so. I had the good sense to put my phone on silent and TRY to sleep.
I wont lie to you, it wasn’t easy and the regularity with which I have recently been struggling to fall asleep lately is making me panicky. The reason for my sleep disturbance eludes me. Maybe I am anxious about the upcoming wedding, maybe it is the irrational fear of losing him that all happy times with him inevitably bring, maybe it is just my random mood swings. But there is something that does not allow me to fall asleep at night and it is not a good feeling.
And then there are the nightmares. All of them, every single one mind you features him, the Prince of my Sadnessland, P.S.
Mostly, he is happy, smiling, effervescent in the nightmares, never sad, always full of life. And sometimes I am happy too. At least temporarily.
He looks like he did all those years ago, when I last saw him before he ended our four-year long relationship, over the phone and my whole world transformed into transient and brittle things.
I am scared now of looking too long at the one I love, lest my gaze will explode into pieces our happy mirage. Except it is not a mirage. It is the amazing fortune of being loved by someone in spite of everything, in spite of even my own brokenness.
But at every stumble, I fall back here in this rotten Sadnessland where everything was beautiful one moment and gone the next without so much as a breath in between. This Sadnessland where I retreated to when every person I knew asked me individually, eyes widened in disbelief, what had went wrong and in which manner exactly did he manage to shatter my heart into smithereens. Did he plan to strike me and I did not know it or was I blinded by the naivety of never being betrayed? Or did I in some twisted, obscure manner bring this fate onto myself?
I answered with words that weren’t mine. I answered and tried to make him look like less of the monster he was and more of the amazing human being that I needed to see him as so as to live on with a basic level of faith in humanity.
But my unconscious is smarter than me and does not indulge in self-deception and cares little about self-preservation. So it has taken it upon itself to shake me out of my defensive delusions. The truth it seems is a relentless bitch that refuses to tame down with age.
I don’t get this. Yes, he broke my heart. I went through pain and disappointment and disillusionment. But then I got over it. I moved on. I completed my Master’s degree, I developed friendships, I found love. So why is this heartbreak still a black hole in my conscious?
When will he finally be done with breaking my heart?