So following the Cigarettes found in the pocket bust (read the background story here), conversation has obviously been running thin. The fact that I found that packet when I was at the Bus Station dropping him off as he returned home was just plain bad timing. Bad because that means he cannot use his usual stalker ways to have his way with me. Bad because it is easier for me to maintain my “I-am-pissed” off mode for longer. (I usually struggle with that as you can read here).
You see being in different cities does not exactly aid in sorting through a fight.
I am still pretty mad that he lied to me. That too so blatantly, so all conversations we have had since then has basically been me reminding him of how he lied to me and how I had been extremely clear that that was a total deal-breaker for me. He listens, mostly quietly. He reminds me that he loves me. And then agrees. He agrees to everything! And that drives me crazy, because although he agrees, he does EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS. Ok well, not entirely. He is an exceptionally sweet and considerate partner, barring the smoking habit that he just can’t seem to kick. And the procrastination.
Being in a different city while we’re having a fight also means some other things as I have come to discover. It means that every song (even the extremely lame and cheesy ones) remind me of him. Like I can actually see his face float before my eyes as the song plays out. I see his sweet smiling face. I remember small things.
I remember that while we were in the overnight bus traveling here together just a few days ago, he woke up so many times at night just to cover me up with the blanket that I was totally hogging from him( I found it unnecessary to use mine). When I asked him why he did that, he said quite simply that he did not want me to be cold.
I remember how amazing it felt to be walking the streets of a new city with his hand firmly in mine. I remember the romantic lunch we shared after that walk on a balcony table , the breeze that danced between us, his laughs, the sound of his voice.
I remember that this last year has been eventful for me, and not in a good way, but that he has been with me through it all.
Okay, so I miss him.
But unlike the other times, I am not caving.
So here are things that helped me to not miss him:
1. Playing with my absolutely adorable one-year old niece. And when I was on the bed late at night, surrounded by her soft toys for each of whom she has a particular name, making funny faces and noises till she laughs hard and the sound of that laughter melts away everything else. The way she calls me, in her baby voice, with all the optimism and innocence of a child concentrated magically in those two syllables: ‘a-thai’. (Athai means aunt in Tamil)
2. Roasting peanuts on a chilly Bangalore morning. The fragrance of the nuts, filling me up and edging out everything else.
3. Cooking for loved ones. A recipe I chanced upon a few days ago. Recreating it and trying your hardest not to preen as the compliments flow in.
4. Enjoying some me-time. Sitting in a dark room, the only light emanating from the laptop, watching my favorite series (Grey’s Anatomy) back-to-back under the blanket. Trust me, everything just seems so much more dramatic when all other sights and sounds are blocked out. (Trying not to remember that he downloaded the series for me without me having to ask just because he knows I like the series.) Okay this one didn’t really help.
5. Waking up at exactly whatever time I felt like every morning. (Though I cannot for the love of god sleep beyond nine, revel in the thought that I could sleep longer, if I wanted to.)
6. Respite from the hopeless, muggy, annoying Mumbai heat and relaxing in the cool breezy Bangalore. The luxury of not needing a fan. The silence of sitting in a room, without a fan. The kind of silence that makes your deepest thought audible. Finally.
7. Reading. Without one eye on the clock and without negotiating with myself in my head. Just this one page. Just this one chapter. Just till whenever I like.
8. Thinking. Whatever thoughts come in, allowing them to flow, not needing to do “keep it for later” Thinking of what was. Thinking of what can be. Thinking of life and everything else.
I did all of the above and in conclusion I would like to add. You cannot not miss someone you miss. You just smile and miss them anyway.