It is only when you have something so damn precious and perfect that you find yourself so extremely cautious and conscious of every single movement you make for fear of ruining everything forever. Last night, it felt like a dam broke inside me and I found myself wanting to drown in its surge as with it came the ecstasy of sharing pieces of me that are so dark that I had put them into a box and thrown them into the farthest and most unvisited corner of my memories. Strangely so it’s not these dark pieces that I can forget but my memory hopelessly and repeatedly fails me in remembering the beautiful memories, the facts and figures always feeling hazier but the feelings remaining most alive. My memories function in strange ways.
To know about the dark pieces of him, about the things he did that he isn’t proud of but is man enough to share with me, to reveal himself in his weakest makes me feel closer to him and makes him so much more human in my eyes Everything he shares makes it clearer to me what is he made of and why he does some things the way he does. And bit by bit, I can decipher the complex paradoxes that is him.
No matter how much I love him, I cannot not have some pieces of me hidden away from plain sight. There are still parts of my life that I cannot share with him for I can’t help feeling that I need some secrets of my own. I feel like I need some loves and some feelings that are so dark and contradictory that they are only for me to mull over and feel fascination for. I need some demons just for myself.
The past few months had changed my world view so drastically and not for the good. After a lot of thinking I have come to a place where I can say with surety I do not believe in the institution of Marriage anymore. And like he put it so beautifully, I do not believe in the institution but I believe in people and so the reason that I am marrying him is purely because I know no other way of being except to be with him every possible waking minute. There is no other way I want to lead this life. And if marriage is the price to pay for it, so be it.
I know another thing with surety that if it wasn’t for him, I would not marry, I cannot sustain a marriage. I like novelty too much. I like my freedom to do as I please way too much. And most scarily I like being alone too much. Much more that I was expecting to. I feel like since the time I have moved out of that hell hole that was my house, I am more in touch with my inner most feelings, I am more at peace and yet stirred enough to write more. I could so get used to this.
When I think about the dark escape, I think about how it has now filled me with a new zest. Everything actually feels sweeter, last night’s date was electric. My desire for him hasn’t felt so intense in a long time and I cannot help but wonder is it the dark escape or is it that I needed that something else that would shake me out of the routine. Was it all in my head? Because he is definitely the same. But maybe the way I look at him is altered in a way. I see him more clearly now. I see how I am not meant for anyone else but him so much more clearly now. I see that this is where I belong. And the sex that I have with him is the most intense thing I have ever experienced in my life. There is nothing like it that I can ever recreate with anyone else, which I have known and learnt for sure. The way his hardness fits my warmth is magical and that is one magic that I will never find it in my heart to stop believing.
Being with him feels so secure that I find myself looking for ways to push the boundaries. I find that I am in the most sexually experimenting place in my life. I want to try crazy things and I want to try it only with him..
To be someone who can sustain a marriage, one needs to be comfortable with greys, for you will find the most part of your marriage will be spent bickering over issues that cannot be distinguished into black and white. At first I thought of cheating in a marriage absolutely implausible, but now I see how it could happen with the best of us. I see it as a flaw in the institution that is the best antidote for excessive desire. Can’t stop wanting to sleep with him? Marry him that ought to kill your mania for him. And surely so, it does.
Like recently married colleague of mine shared, if there is one lesson I have learnt after getting married is knowing that marriage is not essential to one’s existence. One can lead a happy life without marriage as well. And I began thinking about all those people who probably need marriage to feel happy (there is way too much research data that supports the health and psychological benefits of being married) and then I was thinking of those few who cannot be happy in a marriage, no matter how hard they try. And I gulped hard when I realized which of the two groups I belonged to. Only love (and a generous amount of sex) can save me now.